Diamond Tiara vs The Ogre
by Tony Bobby
Summary: Diamond Tiara is a tough, pink pony who won't cop out when there's heat all about.
1. Chapter 1

The warming, golden glow of the sun heaved across the emerald acres surrounding the equine settlement known in the books as Ponyville. Every building cast convenient sharp shades upon the corners of the streets, as ponies of all the rainbow's colors mingled on this beutiful day. Down at the vegitable market, one could almost hear the good vibrations spewing form the friendliness of the patronizing dwarf horses bargaining with the merchants.

The sweet mood was all of a sudden interrupted by a loud gargle emerging between the sinister-looking pine of the Everfree Forest. Before any of the ponies had a chance to react rationally, a gruesome ogre ascended from the fog, drooling hot acid upon the aestetically inspiring plant matters, reducing them to steamy husks of putric yellow.

"I am Shrek, motherfucker!" proclaimed the vomit green abomination. The ponies dropped their currencies and possessions, in a fit of panic, as they ran in nearly perfect circles about the market area. Shrek lifted Big Macintosh from the ground and tossed his body into an asparagus stand, setting it on fire. Big Mac screamed in absolute dread as his equine frame let itself consume by the flames. Mere minutes went by before he was naught but a coal-ridden carcass. Before Shrek could pause to revel in the odor of fried horse, he grabbed hold of Cheerilee, and ripped her spinal cord out her throat. He used the spinal cord to skip rope, as his year-long exile in the forest had rendered him chubby and totally out of shape. Then he used it to whip Lyra Heartstrings, as she screamed like a banshee, until her supple anatomy was reduced to a crimson pulp and popular insect attraction.


	2. Chapter 2

"Stand aside, fair citizens!" sounded a mighty voice. Everypony turned their heads in awe to its general direction. It was none other than Diamond Tiara.

Loved, praised and worshipped by all but fools, Diamond Tiara had long beared her reputation as the never-vacant heroine of Equestria. Whenever a child had lost its mother to a band of ruffians, Diamond Tiara was there. Whenever a family of earth ponies were weighed by the threat of genocidal pegasi, Diamond Tiara was there. Whenever an old couple wouldn't stop fighting about who won the last round of Scrabble, Diamond Tiara was there.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?" Diamond Tiara asked one fair stallion. "That goddamn ogre's been cunting up our market with his fucking vandalism!" he replied. "We need your help!"

Diamond Tiara channeled the mighty wolf spirit through her soul. She absorbed the ancient powers of Lupius Fatales, the all-knowing wolf titan from Super-Babylon X. As Diamond Tiara grew in stature, so also did her sorcerous might increase in aptitude, till her eyeballs were nothing but thunderous orbs of eternal light, shooting through the galaxy, several light years by the second. Pure energy streamed through Diamond Tiara's veins, as her powers ascended to magnitudes no god could even dream of replicating. She was mere nanoseconds away from reaching omnipotent absolution for all eternity.


	3. Chapter 3

Then Shrek punched Diamond Tiara in her pretty face, and the whole process was aborted. Diamond Tiara responded by kicking Shrek in his feeble groin. Shrek wimpered in agony, improvising an Irish dance with his giant hands wrapped around his ballsack, and all Diamond Tiara needed to do was delivering a final fatal blow to Shrek's over-sized pelvis. His no longer animate figure plummeted to the ground, and fell on top of Applebloom, killing her and crafting her inrecognizable to even her mother.

Immediatly the ponies gathered from all over Equestria to applaud Diamond Tiara for her effort. They threw roses, gold and underwear at her feet, and began to compose ballads of her bravery, furthering her legend down the generations.

"MOTHERFUCKER!" exclaimed Rarity. She had just stepped her left front hoof in the ogre's corpse, and its acidious blood had started to deform her leg. Rarity emitted a loud scream from the seething pain.

"Diamond Tiara, you dumb cunt! You're responsible for this shit!" Rarity yelled with rage.

"Real Equestrians don't shit on Diamond Tiara like that!" All the ponies collectively yelled back. "She's the hero our country deserves, and you're just a bastardous whore!"

"I simply can't believe the citizens of Ponyville like me less than that pink bitch." Rarity growled to herself and limped home crying.


	4. Chapter 4

Many years had passed by. Rarity's leg had simply refused to heal, and now rendered her an isolated basket case, embittered by the joys of the outside world. Once a week Applejack would pop in to deliver a new batch of moonshine liquor, Rarity's new addiction. Today was a particularly bleak and chilly day in Ponyville, and Rarity had decided to kill herself with the shotgun that her uncle got her last christmas. Suddenly... The door opened. Applejack strutted inside with another keg of 95% alcohol for her good friend to enjoy.

"Here's your good ol' hootin'-tootin' booze, partner!" Applejack chortled.

Rarity cast a furious look towards Applejack.

"Alas, what good be ardent spirits in such damned a time as the now? Thine sorrow cannot be drown't by whisky, neither thine longing tamed by wine." Rarity sighed.

Then Rarity drew her shotgun, and placed the tip in her mouth.

"Hey, what's with all this here hootin'-tootin' suicide, now, partner?" Applejack queried.

Rarity turned the gun on Applejack, shot her in the face, then turned the gun back on herself. Then she shot herself.


	5. Chapter 5

At Rarity's funeral, all her ponyfriends were present. Twilight, Spike, Flutter Shy, Pinkie Pie and many more. The mayor of Ponyville also showed up, and Diamond Tiara was there as guest of honor. The drums began their rhythm and the ritaul could proceed.

"Personally, I'm just glad that cunt is gone." Twilight rejoiced.

"I don't know, Twilight." Spike responded. "She was pregnant with my child, after all"

"What the fuck, Spike?!" Twilight ejaculated.

"Yeah, she's been knocked up for quite some time now." Spike exposited. "She should've been in labor about now, had she still been alive."

Then, as the priest layed final grace, a bloody fetus projectiled out Rarity's coffin, and landed in Twilight's hands. Twilight saw that it was a terrible abomination of inter-species coitus.

"Spike, you dumb dragon fuck! Look at what your splooge has cursed us with now!" Twilight barked.

The poor excuse for a fetus wheezed and pulsated. Spike couldn't believe his own eyes as he gazed in revolt upon the cluttered demonbaby. Twilight knew the choice was between throwing the disgusting shit in the trash or displaying it for cash at the upcoming fair. Since the garbage ponies didn't come around until next tuesday, she chose the latter.


	6. Chapter 6

Flutter Shy had worked all night on the poster advertising the horrific freak baby that Twilight had aptly named Mongo-Lloyd, despite its gender still being a mystery. The hideous half-dragon-half-pony drooled and grunted inside its little cage, emitting visible gasses from randomly placed holes on its body, which smelt of spoiled sausage and over-priced cheese. Spike enjoyed poking it with a pointy stick, because Twilight's new-found love for the roadshow business had given the purple childslave too much spare time.

Twilight had great hopes for their first show, and antisipated buttloads of steamy cash to fly her way, as result this instant cultural phenomenon that would spread in popularity across the lands.

At last the sun was setting in and the show could begin.


End file.
